How do you tell those you want to tell something that you know they would want to know...but you don't want a fuss about it because a fuss will make you cry and you HATE to cry?
I have cancer. You can get the gory details reading the rest of the blog (and some rambling, so feel free to hit the highlights).
Most folks who see me now if you ask how I am will get "fine". Because really most say it as a greeting not a true heartfelt "how ARE you." I joked with the lab lady who said the same thing "hi, how are you?" "Well, let's see I'm at the Mayo Clinic. Do you really want to know? And how many really answer that honestly?" Ha. Poor gal. I did answer it jokingly but really - in a hospital one would think that wouldn't be the typical greeting...or, the really is Im just too raw right now to be socializing and talking to people in general.
Even my siblings didn't get phone calls with the news because I would have cried and I hate that. Shoot I made Butch tell mom the first time because I couldn't do it. Wouldn't do it is more like it.
This whole thing has me a crying emotional mess and that is SO not me. I'm the strong one. The one who can take a 34 week preemie overseas in a foreign hospital and not bat an eye tough gal (ok cried once on meeting Elizabeth).
Now? I'm a puddle of tears most mornings and I hate it and I haven't even started treatment. Good lord what will be like like then?? Who knows. I try to put my big girl panties on daily and figure it out. Yeah. I think a psychiatrist is in my near future 😜
Anyway. I'm avoiding telling the folks at work because if anyone hugs me it makes me want to cry. Again, do you see a trend? Yeah I DO NOT WANT TO CRY.
I'm leaking the info slowly and tried to hint at it with the "read the blog" posts in Facebook aimed at family and close friends.
Yeah. I found out very few actually read blogs anymore. Literally two of my coworkers - that's it. Cool with that. It lets me know the news really will travel slow and maybe, just maybe I will have repeated this enough times I can get through it without crying. I'm wearing mascara for crying out loud. It's not good for a gal to cry with mascara. I purposely avoided mascara the first three days of work after finding out because anything set me off then. Now? Just random bursts 🤓 I call that a win.
So if you wanna know, read on. If you don't, that's cool too. If you bring it up in person be prepared for jokes and for goodness sakes do NOT hug me at least until I'm fully ensconced in treatment (Or heck maybe not ever - who knows) hugs will crack the resolve then YOU are responsible to help me fix my makeup 😄