Friday, June 16, 2017

Thoughts and random brain misfires

Yeah, maybe it's good that I didn't get that email at home and post it right
to the blog. It was a rambling mess... so speaking of rambling mess, my
thought processes are ALL over the place.

I was asked "when you had the bleed did you immediately think Cancer?" I
got to thinking... I mean really thinking because honestly - I was super
rattled and freaking out, but mostly because I was bleeding from an uncommon
orifice for me.... But did my mind go directly to cancer? Really - no. My
thoughts were along the lines of

* Well, Dad has diverticula and he had one that actually ruptured
and encapsulated... maybe that is what I have a diverticula that has
ruptured and is bleeding

What I really need is a flow chart for this honestly - it's a convoluted
mess from here... so here goes...

* I look up on the internet and see the following: Back pain and
rectal bleeding can be caused by numerous medical conditions including anal
fissures, hemorrhoids, IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), polyps,
diverticulitis, intestinal vascular issues and colon cancer.

* OK, maybe I have a hemorrhoid that I was never aware of...

* But there, see that diverticulitis ... yeah, I'm pretty sure with
the commonalities

* I had bouts of back pain, but have always had fleeting thoughts of
kidneys and kidney stones...

o Sibling has mentioned lowered kidney function

o I am always told during urine collections mine is low, so yeah, that is
probably it...

o Then the pain goes away and so does the thought

o Maybe it was just back strain instead - I do bend over to plant in the
yard a lot

* OK, let's look up cancer symptoms.... Search What are the symptoms
of colon cancer in women?

o Blood in stool - nope, nice color most of the time

o diarrhea or constipation - well, sometimes, but not anything that diet
can't explain in my mind

o anemia - that's been an issue on me on and off my life

o weight loss - bwahahahaha - yeah, right, I should BE so lucky right
(yeah, STILL PISSED about that!)

o fatigue - who ISNT tired? But, hey, nothing out of the ordinary - I
view this is crawl into bed when you get home, or stop daily activities...
yeah, not happening

o abdominal pain - NERP...

* OK, that's probably not it...

* Hum... OK, back to the Zen mode I have for my boobs (for those
that aren't aware they are poked and prodded every 6 months and have been
for YEARS!)

* So I'm back to diverticulitis as my main suspect

So, blow me over with a feather when they say the words malignant, tumor,
cancer, chemo, radiation

I mean, really? REALLY???

So, my thoughts are how on EARTH did I miss this one???

NOW we start with the poop talk. It's funny because another gal who does
lunch with me is having bowel issues and has been bleeding for
WEEKS..eeeeeeekkkkkkk! After MY issue and the fact I was seen within a
week, She was MAD. Rightly so - she still hasn't had her colposcopy to find
out what is going on with hers! So, I'm sure I didn't help her stay calm -
sorry P if you're reading this!!!! I encouraged her to press, press, press
because I didn't think twice about mine either and am so glad that I pressed
to know NOW. AND I'm so grateful to have two insurances to give me the
leverage to say "nope, not waiting" and going ahead and getting it done.

Then this morning I'm griping about the stupid email at work not working and
not sending my freaking email to the house last night.... Then getting to
work and it's still on my screen - geeze. Then I go down another bunny
trail of thoughts.... Been talking with K (sorry you're referenced here Miss
K) about her symptoms and such with her chemo and chemo brain and thinking,
shoot, if THAT is what I have to look forward to and I SUCK with memory
anyway, this is gonna be very, very interesting on what I'll remember from
here on out! If I can't remember to hit send (again, can I justify this
with the news that our email at work really IS jacked up and you have to hit
send twice, sometimes three times (likely story, right??))...

Well, this will all prove interesting... and THIS is why I sort of shut down
last night and watched a movie and just chilled.

Thursday, June 15, 2017


I spent the day on and off writing a update, then mailed it to myself only to discover the base email is seriously jacked up. The email never got here....

So the brief highlights.
My bedside manner sucks as bad as Butch's. I blurted out cancer to the girls like it's no big deal. Hopefully they buy that...but they're not dumb...I'm sure they get I'll be sick a while.

My odds are looking 100% good in my mind. CT and x-ray on the 5th from the initial bleed are all clear (read the results myself today!)

I went to work Wednesday and cried most of the day. Not sure what my coworkers think as they were busy putting out fires while I was scrambling for appointments and calling drs offices and crying some more.

I got an appointment with Mayo Clinic in a Jacksonville on the 21st.

I called my docs nurses line and ended up getting my appointment moved up from next Tuesday to today. Pays to cry at times.

I survived the first day at work in one piece! Yay.

Today I did the follow up. I heard condescension. Butch just heard brusk and to the point. Hate to break it to him, it's all about me right now. I rule this one. He didn't like his approach and lack of experience- he's general surgeon, not specialized. Either way, he's out. I'm sure he's fine for general surgery, but that isn't what I need.

So, Mr C (need to name this thing) is round, 5cm long, circumferential (see? Use words like that and I think you're a show off condescending butt!! Say "rounded") and eroded on one side. I recorded the meeting so I can review later. There are NO pictures. Yeah, waiting for the WTF that I think both Butch and I had at that. I thought they all recorded the procedures. Again, one more "nope" vote.

So far we have:
Eroded = bad
Location = good
size = bad
neighborhood not showing signs of equal rebellion ='good.
Jury is still out until we remove and then we get to figure out stage with 100% accuracy.

The next step is MRI. I'm going to call Mayo tomorrow to see if I can get it done just makes more sense. This Docs office is saying I have to wait for insurance approval to schedule. I think that's bunk...but I'll call tomorrow to ask. Quite frankly today I was just got too tired to do more than work...and do a little research.

I made it through most of the Drs meeting and only cried once. Just hit my limit for a second. Doc did the wrong thing in my books by not stopping but immediately turning to Butch to continue the discussion. (Tires screeching and me flipping the bird!!) Oh HELL NO, it's NOT his body we're discussing's mine. Yeah, I have control (....and anger issues at the moment, wouldn't you??)

And with that, I took the afternoon after work to get copies of my CT scan and records then came home and watched a movie...I needed to just "not" tonight. I'll jump in tomorrow

And on the home front, Liz had a fender bender. Not her fault a lady turned left right into her path! Shook her up as she didn't have her license with her AND she was in my car (insert wailing and gnashing of teeth!)

You can see the fenders rolled under. Poor Reba!!!
She'll get fixed soon. I went to drop her off thinking this is the ONE thing I have control over fixing....yeah, thanks karma. I have to wait for the other ladies insurance.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

What do I know so far?

I came out of my procedure quite nicely. I was happy, comfortable. Just sleepy. So I slept...they then got me dressed and in my way. I don't see the doctor. I was wheeled out to the car.....waiting by the curb. Still pretty druggy, groggy.

Butch said three polyps and cancer. Ok, waiting for you to say "kidding". Nope, no comments of kidding...but the doc didn't biopsy it. What the??? How can you say the words malignant and cancer without a biopsy to confirm?? Ok you're either that good or it was that big and ugly. Sigh.

Home, coffee on the porch. Still bugging me he didn't take a biopsy and nothing about what's next. They talked radiation and chemo to him in the hospital...but nothing to me and frankly I don't want to wait until next Tuesday for this future discussion on what's next.

I don't have a clue how a doc can say I have malignant cancer without a biopsy...but I'm sure he's seen enough to know by size/shape/etc but still, not confident I have the full story as I don't talk to the doc :/ it's all hearsay so far.

My husband has zero bedside manner for this as he just blurted it out to a drug addled person who was still wondering when the "just kidding" was coming

As I came out of the drugs more I still question why they didn't biopsy that tumor...maybe they did and Butch miss heard?? Why the hell no biopsy?.

So happy wait....and bleed a bit more today thanks to polyp snips. Ewh!

The lighter side they gave me such a hard time in the room because I was saying I tried an enema, but never again. I was telling them someone should put pictures out there if what is normal ranges of colors textures in the toilet. I mean really. Give a girl more to go on. No pun intend. But really. I did need Some hints. I found them today of all times!

The nurses and I were laughing about the Easter egg hunt I had with monitor leads while in the ER...I found THREE more when I got home even AFTER I lifted my boobs and had Bitch look there were two hiding under the left breast AND one on my chest. After this discussion the nurse said she would leave me an Easter egg hunt for later....and I may need to check between my butt cheeks. I was dying....maybe I should check again all over? LOL

Colon prep...

Ok I like this Drs prep. Two Dulcolax (pills) then 64 oz of Miralax (Liquid) followed with two last pills at or before 4pm. Here we go (pun intended!)!!. Why would I say I like this already? There is NO taste to Miralax!! That other stuff is gaggy!!!

Also, blood work done. I drove over there and sat outside waiting fir them to open at 8. We got in at 7:45 and out by 7:50. Sweet!!

Maybe I don't like's not working. It's now 12:30pm and no poop in sight. Sad when you're now HOPING for raging diarrhea.... I took two MORE Dulcolax. Maybe that will get me going? I'm down to less than half of the Miralax left to take. Good news is that it still tastes great 😜 small favor of it doesn't start working!!! 😳.

Well, lets add a popsicle to the mix and see if that moves things along..... nope.

3pm called the hospital asked fir a later schedule. 6:15 is the latest. Really?? Hum. This may be an issue.

Got off the phone and had a slight poo. Yay?

Downed the remainder of the Miralax...took FOUR Dulcolax - we ain't playing any more!! Had to have the completed by 4pm. Mission accomplished. Let's see if my body will get on board.


5pm. OK sad to say that the needed reaction is happening. Now to hydrate the heck out of myself and pray this works. We're movin now! Ugh!!

11pm. Still not*t. No, really I need to be over this. Broke down. Sent the oldest fr an enema. Yeah, first and LAST of those, thank you very much.

12:30. Kill me now. This had better be clear e-friggin nuff. I'm going to bed.

6:15 show time tomorrow and I'm the LAST one to go in. Yeah me. The good news? It will all be over but the crying tomorrow. I may have to do a two day prep next time. Sucks!!!