Friday, June 16, 2017

Thoughts and random brain misfires

Yeah, maybe it's good that I didn't get that email at home and post it right
to the blog. It was a rambling mess... so speaking of rambling mess, my
thought processes are ALL over the place.

I was asked "when you had the bleed did you immediately think Cancer?" I
got to thinking... I mean really thinking because honestly - I was super
rattled and freaking out, but mostly because I was bleeding from an uncommon
orifice for me.... But did my mind go directly to cancer? Really - no. My
thoughts were along the lines of

* Well, Dad has diverticula and he had one that actually ruptured
and encapsulated... maybe that is what I have a diverticula that has
ruptured and is bleeding

What I really need is a flow chart for this honestly - it's a convoluted
mess from here... so here goes...

* I look up on the internet and see the following: Back pain and
rectal bleeding can be caused by numerous medical conditions including anal
fissures, hemorrhoids, IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), polyps,
diverticulitis, intestinal vascular issues and colon cancer.

* OK, maybe I have a hemorrhoid that I was never aware of...

* But there, see that diverticulitis ... yeah, I'm pretty sure with
the commonalities

* I had bouts of back pain, but have always had fleeting thoughts of
kidneys and kidney stones...

o Sibling has mentioned lowered kidney function

o I am always told during urine collections mine is low, so yeah, that is
probably it...

o Then the pain goes away and so does the thought

o Maybe it was just back strain instead - I do bend over to plant in the
yard a lot

* OK, let's look up cancer symptoms.... Search What are the symptoms
of colon cancer in women?

o Blood in stool - nope, nice color most of the time

o diarrhea or constipation - well, sometimes, but not anything that diet
can't explain in my mind

o anemia - that's been an issue on me on and off my life

o weight loss - bwahahahaha - yeah, right, I should BE so lucky right
(yeah, STILL PISSED about that!)

o fatigue - who ISNT tired? But, hey, nothing out of the ordinary - I
view this is crawl into bed when you get home, or stop daily activities...
yeah, not happening

o abdominal pain - NERP...

* OK, that's probably not it...

* Hum... OK, back to the Zen mode I have for my boobs (for those
that aren't aware they are poked and prodded every 6 months and have been
for YEARS!)

* So I'm back to diverticulitis as my main suspect

So, blow me over with a feather when they say the words malignant, tumor,
cancer, chemo, radiation

I mean, really? REALLY???

So, my thoughts are how on EARTH did I miss this one???

NOW we start with the poop talk. It's funny because another gal who does
lunch with me is having bowel issues and has been bleeding for
WEEKS..eeeeeeekkkkkkk! After MY issue and the fact I was seen within a
week, She was MAD. Rightly so - she still hasn't had her colposcopy to find
out what is going on with hers! So, I'm sure I didn't help her stay calm -
sorry P if you're reading this!!!! I encouraged her to press, press, press
because I didn't think twice about mine either and am so glad that I pressed
to know NOW. AND I'm so grateful to have two insurances to give me the
leverage to say "nope, not waiting" and going ahead and getting it done.

Then this morning I'm griping about the stupid email at work not working and
not sending my freaking email to the house last night.... Then getting to
work and it's still on my screen - geeze. Then I go down another bunny
trail of thoughts.... Been talking with K (sorry you're referenced here Miss
K) about her symptoms and such with her chemo and chemo brain and thinking,
shoot, if THAT is what I have to look forward to and I SUCK with memory
anyway, this is gonna be very, very interesting on what I'll remember from
here on out! If I can't remember to hit send (again, can I justify this
with the news that our email at work really IS jacked up and you have to hit
send twice, sometimes three times (likely story, right??))...

Well, this will all prove interesting... and THIS is why I sort of shut down
last night and watched a movie and just chilled.

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