Well, it's that time of year
again... 4 year checkup.
I'm still convinced that
the checkups that are occurring are NOT what I need. I'll get into the
why in a bit, but I'm always shocked that I can be stoic that nothing is wrong
for MONTHS and all it takes is these damn checkups to send me into depression
and freaking out. Sigh. Why? Who on earth knows.
I do know that when you didn’t
note or know of anything that was going wrong in your body when you HAD cancer,
you question every single tweak and twinge you have from that point forward…. And
it sucks.
So – part of why I don’t think
this is over is because I’m back to having hot flashes like I was before I
found out I had cancer… I simply thought “well, I’m 50, this is it, this is
menopause.” Surprise, it was NOT! I had blood work later on that indicated
that, nope, I was not in menopause and those hot flashes was my body freaking
out. So… am I in menopause now? Here’s hoping.
Let’s back up to the beginning of
this story, on the 4th I noted something wasn’t quite right in the
nethers and knew I had an appointment with the oncologist very soon after
getting back home, so asked him when I was in his office about who I should
see. He recommended a gynecologist office
and I went to see them a week to the day after seeing the oncologist. The agreement was if they didn’t know what it
was at the gynecologist I would be back to him for further investigations. The good news is they know what it is, the
bad news is what all doctors say here: I would just let it be.
Really they are a community of
non-intervention. Sometimes that is
great, sometimes that just freaks the rest of us out – see the comment of not
thinking that my visits now are effective.
Part of me thinks that I should trust them on the facts, part of me
doesn’t really trust anyone anymore!
So the bottom line of my exams
that happen with Oncology – they do an ultrasound of my abdomen. They can NOT see my whole liver because 1) its
fatty and 2) its LARGE – mostly because I’m large. So they never really get a good picture of
the back of it, nor the internal portions of it due to the issues listed
above. I’m more apt to really think
there isn’t anything in there because my liver enzymes are in a good range, so
really, I don’t know that there is anything there. I DO have problems that they are no longer
looking at my lungs at all. There were
nodules in the past I don’t know if those nodules were stable, or if they were
the same nodules or if there are different nodules. When I ask they say they are nothing to be
concerned about…. Yeah, says YOU. Sigh…
I know, I know I should trust them to know their business. BUT fast forward to rattles when I’m laying
down at night and in the morning that are unexplained and I have gone to a
normal doc who listened and didn’t hear anything and said “ah, it’s nothing”. They do not want to expose me to x-rays
anymore. Well, then do an MRI
dorks. They don’t do those here often,
so it’s not something they will order unless there are HUGE flashing red
lights.. So… this with the combination
of my newly returned hot flashes have me concerned. I started with the simple blood draw. Am I in menopause?
Oh, yeah, when the oncologist
asked if I have night sweats, they will ONLY look at you hard if you are
sweating through clothing and wetting sheets.
Well, hell I didn’t do that when I had cancer the last time in it’s full
glory. I was having hot flashes like I
have now where I’m in and out of bedding all night and sweating and sleeping
with windows open in 50 - 60 degree weather.
This is either the return or its menopause. Good news is I’m forcing them to look at it.
Better news is when I get back to
the states it’s time for my colonoscopy AND I will have a head to toe exam and
have them do a full CT panel to make sure that all is well inside… but will I
trust it even then? Hard to know… but I’ll
let you know. I told the doc here it
sucks when you had cancer without what you would have considered symptoms so
now anything changes and you question if it’s cancer or not… sucks, and it’s
not going away apparently.
Sigh. In other news I have had two interviews in
the last week or so. One in Maryland the
week of the 4th (can’t remember the exact date – maybe the 7th?)
and one on the 16th. I
should know about the Maryland one in two weeks and the one on the 16th
in about 4 weeks. AND I have another on
the 20th as well… so things are looking up on the interview process. I heard that only 12 interviewed for the one
Friday. Not sure who interviewed, but we
shall see… it’s really not one I want, but I’ll still be sad if I’m not even
looked at twice. I really hope the
interview on the 20th is my “shoo-in” job as it’s where I worked
right before I came here and one that I would be returning to regardless… not
that specific job, but in that area… so here’s hoping! I get my hopes up on these jobs and then don’t
get them and it makes me sad and feeling incompetent… so we’ll see where this
leads in the long run.
